She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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