yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
