So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
