She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
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You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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