It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
