My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
