I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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