Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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