your parents love me but you hate me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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