Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
