its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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