Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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