I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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