my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
