so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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