he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
