I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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