I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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