Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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