I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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