I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
