i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He did a backflip because drugs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
