yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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