My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
