matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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