I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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