Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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