I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
