1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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