he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
