Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
