Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
