Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
