So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
