if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
