So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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