So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
