i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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