halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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