we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
