I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize