On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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