I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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