i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
