So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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