My Higher Power is John Stamos
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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