Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
