I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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