I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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