CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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