so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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