yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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