that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
